Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are talking Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for ancient lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It is going to be incredible. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed from the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we're making them with balconies."

Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and entirely away from spot. Built by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:

A three-floor Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until the drone flies")

As well as a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable h2o. But Certainly, certain, let us have One more place in which American Gentlemen can don robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, obviously."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations unsuccessful below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: provide All people a set around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

In line with documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is certainly delicate electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower inside of a war zone. It is really that he really should stop making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked regarding the project, replied, "You know, man, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic men and women. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."

Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head obvious from Area, a element getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents plus the chin is… nicely, categorised.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after finding the creating's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It's not merely unsightly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

The Melania Wing together with other Bewildering Characteristics

Perhaps the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:

A silent atrium where by friends could ponder obscure disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local weather Handle established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.

Local Syrians are Not sure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing Technique: "In case you Bomb It, They Will Occur"

The ad marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:

"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is For good."

A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:

"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."

Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge shows:

34% say "it would stabilize the world"

29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% said "wherever's the closest elevator to the West Bank?"

Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"

The project is currently attracting interest from Worldwide traders, such as:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage may also involve:

A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War

Comment Part Chaos

Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, Trump Tower Damascus consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can not wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Finally, a hotel where my PTSD can have flip-down support."

One more article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Impact

U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies recommend:

China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."

Final Feelings in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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